A story of love, legacy, and learning to navigate the fire family lifestyle

Meet Shannen, a proud fire spouse of over 10 years, whose journey as part of a fire family began unexpectedly — and on a birthday she’ll never forget.

“I met my husband on my 21st birthday,” she recalls. “We didn’t even really talk that night, but I knew who he was because I went to school with his brother. A few days later, I messaged him on Facebook. We went to Taco Tuesday and line danced on our first date. Three months later we were engaged, and six months later we were married.”

At the time, her husband, Dustin, was a seasonal firefighter with Cal Fire. Shannen didn’t fully understand what a full-time firefighter schedule meant. Although her father had also done fire work, he worked split shifts and other jobs — so the demands of a full-time fire career were new territory. That reality set in quickly, especially after their first daughter was born and her husband was stationed in Fresno, requiring a five-hour commute.

Firefighting is more than a job in Shannen’s family — it’s a legacy. Both her father and her husband’s father are retired firefighters, creating a deep, multigenerational connection to the fire service. But fire culture has shifted over time, she notes.

Shannen shares, “Growing up my dad’s station was small, tight-knit, and family-oriented. Now, departments are larger, and it doesn’t always feel that way anymore. It’s been a transition to understand that stations aren’t small anymore, and there isn’t as much of a focus on family — it’s a different culture.”

When Fire Becomes a Way of Life

Shannen realized she wasn’t just supporting a career — she was stepping into a lifestyle that demanded her whole heart.

“It was after our first year of marriage,” she remembers. “I was pregnant, and there were times I needed more attention and support. I had to learn that with his career, things wouldn’t always happen when I wanted or needed them. That was a big shift.”

Facing a Deep Emotional Challenge — and Choosing Honesty

When asked about one of her biggest emotional challenges, Shannen shared one word: infidelity. But in a powerful moment of vulnerability, she shared:

“It was on my part, not his. A lot of people assume it’s the firefighter, but this is my story. Everything had ended, but I hadn’t been 100% honest for about five months. It ate at me. I didn’t feel like he deserved my deceitfulness. I had to be open and honest to repair our marriage.”

That honesty was the turning point.

“We immediately sought marriage counseling and individual therapy,” she says. “When we were able to both be vulnerable — completely open about everything we were feeling — that’s when I knew we could make it. We still loved each other and wanted to work through it.”

Shannen found healing through EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) and therapy. Just a few months into the healing process, both she and her husband began uncovering past traumas they had been holding onto.

“EMDR helped us understand each other more deeply,” she shares. “It allowed us to move forward — and now we want others to know they are not alone. There are resources out there to help, and healing is possible.”

Her husband, Dustin, now feels passionately about mental health and suicide prevention in the fire service. Together, they are advocates for open conversation and support.

Understanding the Need for Change

Over time, Shannen’s perspective on mental health has profoundly evolved.

“I understand it a lot more now. I think first responders need more time to process and be debriefed after tragedies. If departments could reduce mandatory overtime and allow more quality time with families, I think it would go a long way for their mental health.”

When asked what one policy she would change in the fire service industry if she could, she didn’t hesitate:

“After certain fires or medical calls, there needs to be more immediate debriefing — not waiting, not holding it in and trying to process on their own. They need space to process before moving on.”

Finding Community Through the Fire Family Foundation

Shannen was first introduced to the Fire Family Foundation’s Virtual Support Sessions through her husband, who heard about them through a Cal Fire peer support group.

“It was nice knowing I wasn’t alone — especially in things related to my kids. It was refreshing hearing others’ perspectives on how they go through things,” she says.

She describes feeling seen, heard, and supported — and deeply reassured.

“It’s nice knowing there are groups of spouses who can open up about what they’re going through and feel reassured.”

Words of Wisdom for Fire Families

When thinking back to her younger, newlywed self, Shannen offers heartfelt advice to those just starting their fire family journey:

“Sometimes it might seem impossible and extremely hard, but just stay strong — it’s so worth it. Continue to stick through it and be strong. Being loved and supported by someone who helps you reach your dreams is huge. [referring to her husband]”

She adds: “I have learned to overcome and adapt to constant changes, and knowing even when things are planned out, they don’t always go to plan. As a fire spouse, I’ve learned that I need to be strong for my kids and myself while my spouse is away and show them that things aren’t always easy — but we can overcome obstacles we never thought we were strong enough for. Being a fire spouse has made me stronger mentally and shown me that I can handle — not always easily — whatever is thrown my way.”

Shannen reflects: “I’m proud that I never gave up — that I was able to be fully honest and vulnerable and show my spouse my true self. And that we could still support and love one another.”

A Message to Every Fire Family

She has leaned on books like The 5 Love Languages and Fully Involved to support her marriage, and on the quote that continues to anchor her:

“Owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing that we’ll ever do.”- Brené Brown

And to the fire family community, she offers this final message of strength:

“Stay strong, and remember — you’re never alone.”